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I never thought that I would do to you It is as though my father were within me, Smirking at my helplessness as I Do the things I can't believe I'm doing, Slapping, punching, growling like a dog. "You see? You see?" he says. "I couldn't help it! My father did it to me, and I to you. And now you to your son. Come join the circle, And when he has a son, he'll join us, too!" "No! No!" I answer silently. But I Go on beating, beating, beating who? Myself? My father? But it is only you Who lies there screaming, scrunched into a ball. Why? Why do I do this? Why? I wonder As I watch myself go on and on. Then suddenly I'm done. The thing is over. And you, as I once did, weep to the wall. I'm sorry, sorry, sorry, so ashamed. I touch your shoulder gently, and you shudder. The remorse is so much worse than was the beating. I remember. But I cannot help it. I take you in my arms. You lie unmoving, Surrendering your body, not your heart. I know that I will never, never reach you. And still I hope without hope for your love. My fear and shame are like a dark cocoon. They were when I was you, are with me still. I'm safe within our shared disgust and horror. I know like me you'll never say a word. Copyright by Nicholas Gordon. Free for personal or non-commercial use.
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